3.4.20 - A Lesson on Anger, Perhaps

We touched on a lot of topics last night and up I stayed up late writing the Recap about things like … Is it OK to have doubts? (Absolutely), and Who is saved and who isn't? and Why did God place a rotating, fiery sword at the edge of paradise to prevent our return??

When I was finished and pressed "Send" at 1:30 a.m., nothing happened. Then the contents of everything I wrote went blank. Everything disappeared except for the tiny word at the center of the screen that said "error." I arrowed backwards... nothing. I arrowed forwards ... error. I checked everything and everywhere. Nothing.

Mild disbelief at first evolved into despair. Had I really stayed up this late for nothing? There was no way I could write this again. I wouldn’t remember half of it and, besides, where would I find another 2 hours? I was tired and now I wasn’t going to get enough sleep for tomorrow, which wouldn't have been such a problem if I HAD SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR IT! I noticed how angry I was becoming. I hadn't felt this angry in a long time. When I was younger, I would have already been cursing up a storm and maybe even kicked the chair. I thought about what I would like to do. I wanted to lift up my end of desk with the computer and everything and tip it over onto the floor. Then I wanted to go to the garage and get a sledgehammer and come back to my office and smash the computer till there was nothing left of it. Instead, I pushed myself back in my chair and said, "God, why did you let this happen to me? You know very well I wrote some really good stuff tonight. Holy Moses, to think I could have gone to bed at 11 o'clock! I'm so tired and it's 1:30 and I haven't taken a shower yet had I have absolutely NOTHING to show for it and, while I'm on the topic, I will NEVER write this thing again because I don't have the friggin’ mind or energy for it!" Then I thought, "I know, I'm going to the kitchen to stuff myself." I said this because I had given up eating after 7pm for Lent, and somebody had to be punished.

Then, unsolicited, I was reminded of something I said often: out of all adversity comes good. "But, Lord,” I asked, “where is the good in this??" Then I remembered that one usually doesn’t see the good from adversity while they're in the middle of the adversity. Damn. Then I was reminded that, as we discussed that very night in bible study, we need to choose faith even when (especially when) we least felt like it. Damn. I calmed down. "Ok, Lord, point taken. But please don't wait forever to clue me in on whatever the heck is good about this." I passed by the kitchen and went to bed.

When I awoke in the morning. The anger was gone but there still was a hole. I was avoiding thinking about it.

Later I happened to be talking to Taylor about work matters and she asked how the Recap was coming. “Not good,” I said, and told her the story. She laughed and said I should write that story instead.

And there you have it. This is my Recap.

Was there any value in what happened? Yes, although this time the message was delivered by another person, as God commonly does.

As I wrote this, I was reminded that this life isn't always going to work out the way we expect or want, no matter how good we’ve been or how smart we think we are. In fact, some of these pathetic occurrences are just what’s needed to keep us humble and returning to God. Time for a little faith testing.

Lastly, perfection comes in heaven, not here. Besides, if anything close to perfection came to us here, we would likely take immediate credit for it and tell God, "I've got this."

Maranatha!

Ron